"I was just trying to help!"

Is it possible to love your child and be sooooo incredibly mad at them at the same time? Yes, I'd have to say it is possible....and it's even possible to try and stay calm, when you really just want to explode with anger. I got a little test the other day, when Caile decided she was going to "help" with laundry.


There were some random things on the laundry room floor. A few whites, a sheet, a couple darks, some pinks and reds, and some bright red place mats that I purposely hadn't washed yet. Though Caile has helped me separate the clothes before, she's never run the washing machine. I've never even shown her how to run our new one. I prefer to do the laundry....because of all the mistakes that can be made. My husband does a load or two now and then, but he couldn't even tell you what needs to be washed in cold or what should never go in the dryer. I just do it myself....and if they run out of socks, they just have to wait until I get around to doing laundry.


Anyway, on this wonderful day, Caile took it upon herself to start a load of laundry. Since the laundry room is right next door to her room, I didn't even notice. It wasn't until a friend of Caile's informed me that I had pink socks, that I realized someone had done a load. My first question was, "who did laundry?" Honestly I was about to blame my husband. I never thought in a million years that one of the kids started a load. Then Caile confessed. I asked what she washed with the socks that was red. She answered the typical "I don't know." I asked her to pull everything out of the washer and put it in a basket. Before I got up the stairs to see what was in the basket, she showed me the red place mats that had been washed with the whites...and every other thing that was in the laundry room. As you can imagine I probably looked like I was about to explode. I immediately asked what temperature she washed the clothes at....and of course she didn't know. The place mats are suppose to be washed separately in cold water...thankfully they hadn't made their way to the drier. As I was trying to figure out what to do with all of the ruined clothes, Caile said, "I'm sorry, I was just trying to help." How can you be mad after that? It's amazing what an apology can do. I let her go out and play, separated the whites, that were now pink and threw them back in the washer. I guess I was hoping that after a wash with bleach, there might be an improvement. Of course after 3 washes and no real change, I gave up. I got the clothes loaded and pulled out the drawer for the detergent. I'm sure steam was coming out of my ears when I realized she had put detergent in the fabric softener spot. The detergent was caked in and wet. I spent about 30 minutes scraping it out with a spoon, then eventually pulling the whole thing apart and cleaning it out. I mentioned this part to Caile later when I had calmed down a bit. All in all, Caile learned her lesson, and I learned that I can be more understanding and forgiving than I imagined. The boys are going to need some new socks and underwear....because they refuse to wear the pink ones. I'm sure we'll laugh about it later!



Just a sample of our beautiful pink whites....


The culprit red placemats....they survived the ordeal

February 5th

Yesterday was Febrauary 5th. That was the due date of the child we miscarried a few months back. I'm trying not to dwell on it, but how is it possible not to at least think about it? I would have had a new baby by now. I think the due date will always serve as a reminder of our little angel baby. Miscarriage is a very hard experience to go through. I never imagined it would be as difficult as it actually is. People just don't talk about it I guess. After our loss, it took about a month for me to move on and start feeling like my self again. It isn't something that you just forget about though. That child was a part of us...if even for only a few short months.


This is the only picture we have of our little angel. We had the ultrasound just a few days before our miscarriage. In this picture everything seems great. I know it's hard to see, but you can see
the little head and spine and even the arms and legs.

I found this poem shortly after we lost our baby. I wrote a blog on myspace and attached this to it. It really describes the true feelings someone goes through when they lose a child....even one they haven't met.

OUR BABY

An empty space where life once stirred
My eyes were not yet seeing
Where once my heartbeat shared a tone
with a small and fragile being
So scarcely formed yet still a life
A dream, a hope, a promise
Our plans were changed to now include
This new life thrust upon us
Then just as quickly as it came
Our dreams were gone away
The deepest pain I've ever felt
Our baby died today
With footprints left upon our hearts
She gently took her leave
We're left with nothing but regret
And only time to grieve
There was no service to be held
No mourning time required
No songs of longing and despair
No words to be inspired
We're simply told to bare the pain
"It's nature's way" they say
I can't forget our baby moved
inside me yesterday
And with each word of sorrow
my teardrops fall like rain
The anger and resentment
are mixed with guilt and pain
I look to heaven for a sign
to help search out a course
Where love can teach acceptance
and eliminate remorse
My body will accept the truth
that now our baby's gone
But in our hearts our Angel
everlastingly lives on!

~Teri M. Stuckmann