1st Day back

I imagined it would be hard going back to work...and it really was! My first day back I was pulled to a different floor (I really hate being pulled). It's hard when you aren't used to their patients, the staff, or where everything is kept. I spend all night searching for things. It's even worse when you haven't worked in 3 months! I was hoping to spend my first night back with friends...people who understood why I was upset...and people who would cheer me up. That didn't happen, but I survived. I was crying before I even walked out the door on Friday night. My husband told me to quit my job....he doesn't like seeing me that way. We both know I can't do that, but it was nice of him to offer! I cried half way to work.

I think it was even harder leaving, knowing that my baby was sick. Preston had a runny nose and was cranky for a couple of days, but seemed to be better on Thursday. I put him down for a nap, and when he woke up, he had a fever of 101.3. I called the doctor and got him in an hour later. After the PA thoroughly checked him out, she told me that Preston would have to be admitted to the hospital. Apparently when a child is under 3 months old, they usually admit them to the hospital, just to be safe. She told me they would start an IV, give him fluids and IV antibiotics. They would do some lab work and catheterize him for a UA. She said they may even do a spinal tap. I guess they do all of this because at such a young age they go down hill fast. She told me it could be a bacterial infection or even meningitis....they just don't know until they do all of the tests. I was starting to freak out. I couldn't picture my poor baby boy going through all of that pain. I told her that if she felt it was necessary, I would do it. I just wanted my baby to be safe. Before I had a chance to call my husband in a panic, the doctor came in to check on him. He decided that it wasn't necessary to admit him to the hospital. Preston had been eating well and had plenty of wet diapers. He wasn't having difficulty breathing (besides the stuffy nose). His color was good, he was alert and even smiling at the doctor.

Anyway, my first night at work started out rough...I just wanted to go home. I called to check on the baby a few times. I was upset for a while. Luckily I stayed busy enough to keep my mind off of things a bit. By midway through the shift, I felt better. I survived, and the baby survived.

My second night at work was a little easier on me...until I called my husband. He was having a rough time with Preston. Preston kept crying and didn't want to eat. Jared asked me how much money I make, then basically told me to quit my job! He calmed down after that and did fine. It was tough for me to hear he was having a hard night. All I wanted to do was head home to help. Later my husband apologized for freaking me out...he's just not used to having the baby (a sick one with colic) on his own yet. The baby isn't used to me being gone either. This is going to be a big adjustment for all of us.

Fun subject! Preston is 3 months old today! He is growing so much. He grabs at his toys and tries to stick everything into his mouth! He is starting to giggle. I get a couple little giggles out of him when I tickle him or make a funny face at him, but haven't had a rolling laugh yet. We will get there! Sometimes it seems like his colic is improving...but with him being sick right now, it's hard to know for sure. Also, Preston turned from his back to his belly November 14th...while I was sleeping after work. Daddy got to see it, but I missed it! It figures that Preston would do something fun like that, right after I start back to work!

I'm adding these on here...just some random 3 month pictures I got of Preston! He's such a beautiful boy!

Work

I've been on Maternity leave for exactly 12 weeks today. I go back to work on Friday the 13th...just a few days from now! I'm feeling an overwhelming anxiety about going back. I love my job, I love what I do (most of the time), and I even like the people I work with. Things have just changed. I'm starting to feel like I have a new obligation to fulfill...and that's being a Mom.


I think seeing the way my parents struggled made me want better for myself, and my own children one day. I didn't want my kids to go through the things I had to go through. When I was in high school, I was working part time and helping to pay household bills. Sometimes it was my paycheck that kept our lights from being turned off...or maybe I payed for the gas that got us all to and from work and school. Sometimes, I just helped with some groceries. I always bought my own school clothes and paid my own bills. At that point in my life, my Dad was moved out, so it was my Mom and I working together to make sure my younger siblings were taken care of. I was almost forced to take on the role of a parent at such a young age. Without going into too much detail, it was a difficult childhood. I was for the most part happy though. I learned a lot, and it made me who I am today; but I promised myself then and there that I would never live that way again. Getting through school meant that I could fulfill that promise to myself and my future children.


I have always been a strong, independent, self motivated person. I always wanted to go to college and have a great career. I worked hard to get good grades, but didn't really have the direction I needed. See, neither of my parents went to college. As a matter of fact, my Father never made it past the 9th grade. My Mom was encouraging and helped where she could, but a lot of the time, she really didn't know which direction to push me. It was up to me to figure out the best path. When high school was over, I had to figure out the college thing on my own. I was scared to death! Actually, I took a year off after high school just because I didn't know where to begin. Finally I got up the courage to go the local University and just ask questions. That was all it took. I soon signed up for classes and got started with my career plans. I worked as a personal care provider and a CNA for a few years before I got into nursing school, so I knew exactly what I was working toward. I jumped into the college role head first, and actually, I was fine! Even more than fine, I did great! I found different ways to pay for my college...out of my pocket, credit cards, government student aid, and tuition reimbursement from my employer. I always figured it out. When I got into nursing school, I was elated! Nursing school was one of the most difficult, yet most rewarding things I'd dealt with in my life. I worked full time, went to school full time, and had a brand new baby two weeks before second semester of nursing school started. I felt that if I could survive that, I could survive anything! I worked really hard! I did it to prove to myself and to my family, that I was determined and able to make something of myself...even coming from a tough childhood. (Just a side comment...it really bugs me when people use their childhood or upbringing as an excuse for their actions or problems. Anyone can take a bad situation and turn it into something good. You make that decision for yourself!)


I always wanted to be a working Mom...to take care of my family and feel like I was providing for them. I always admired my Mom. She worked hard and became very skilled with having to get by with nothing...raising 4 kids on her own. She was so strong. I wanted to have those same qualities! When I was done with school, I did just that. My new income was what my family needed to pull out of the low income slump we'd been in. I was the bread winner...and I was okay with that. It meant that my children never had to worry where their next meal was coming from. It meant that they never had to worry about going without heat or electricity. At that point in my life, it never even crossed my mind that I may want to stay home with my kids at some point. It was too much work to get where I was!


Eventually, after some rough times, my husband retook the role of bread winner in my family. He started working more than one job, and things began to change. I cut back on work a bit, and realized how much that one extra day home made a difference. It not only made a difference in me, it made a difference in my kids....and my house! I started to see how much a mother is needed at home. Don't get me wrong...I know some really awesome, brilliant working mothers. I'm just coming to the understanding that it's really hard for me personally, to do all of the things that are required of a working mom. After I've worked for a couple nights, I'm a horrible Mom and wife! I'm grumpy and tired...and I don't want to do anything. My patience is less than it should be and I don't want to do anything fun. I'm just not the active person I could be. Not that I haven't been there for my kids...but I'm realizing how much MORE I could be there for them. I'm realizing that this is the only childhood my children will have...and I don't want to miss it. I don't want to ignore them or put their needs to the side, just because I'm too tired or worn out to want to do those Mom things. I hate watching my 5 year old cry when I walk out the door. I hate thinking about my 3 month old crying and not having Mommy there to soothe him. I NEVER thought I would say this, but I would love to be a stay at home Mom. I don't think I'm feeling this way because I have a new baby at home, I've felt this way for a while. I do think that the feeling is stronger because of the baby though. Preston has been a little bit difficult, and we are just barely getting him figured out and settled...and now I have to leave him. It's going to kill me...and my poor husband is going to go crazy not having me to help him. I probably sound pathetic...really I have it made. I only work 2 days a week...and we've made the decision for me to work every Friday and Saturday night. My children won't have to go to daycare at all. I shouldn't be complaining with my circumstances the way they are. I just really feel that my babies need me...and I need them. I thought that all of this time off after having a baby would rejuvenate me....make me miss my job, but I think it made me more heartbroken to go back to work. I also thought that during my time off I would get to do all things I don't normally do while I'm working...sortof make up for things I have missed, or things I haven't done. Of course with a baby that has colic...he's taken up every ounce of my time...and I've actually missed more than I usually do.


I guess I'm just trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'd be willing to give up who I worked so hard to be, just to be a Mom. (Well, not JUST a Mom). I'm not in the position to do that...but I would do it in a heartbeat. Now, don't get me wrong...I wouldn't give up my license...that's just something that would be dumb to lose...but I could give up my job tomorrow and not feel any remorse whatsoever. At this point, it wouldn't be a good thing, and it would hurt my family more than help. I do think it's going to have to be my next goal to accomplish though, and hopefully it will happen before my kids are grown and out of the house!

November Family Pictures

We went up the mountain November 1st hoping to get some good family pictures. I was hoping there would still be some pretty colorful leaves on the trees, but they'd mostly all fallen already. We knew of a pretty area that we wanted to go to, but while we were headed there, we came across a really beautiful picnic area. The rock wall, the bridge, the water...and even the leaves that were on the ground were gorgeous! We stopped and had some fun! We took turns taking pictures and Jared figured out how to use the delay thing on our camera so that we could get all of us in the picture. I think they turned out great...for amateurs! It was just a fun time. The kids ran around and enjoyed the day. We will definitely be making a trip back in the near future. I want to go when it's warm outside and actually picnic while we are there!