Work

I've been on Maternity leave for exactly 12 weeks today. I go back to work on Friday the 13th...just a few days from now! I'm feeling an overwhelming anxiety about going back. I love my job, I love what I do (most of the time), and I even like the people I work with. Things have just changed. I'm starting to feel like I have a new obligation to fulfill...and that's being a Mom.


I think seeing the way my parents struggled made me want better for myself, and my own children one day. I didn't want my kids to go through the things I had to go through. When I was in high school, I was working part time and helping to pay household bills. Sometimes it was my paycheck that kept our lights from being turned off...or maybe I payed for the gas that got us all to and from work and school. Sometimes, I just helped with some groceries. I always bought my own school clothes and paid my own bills. At that point in my life, my Dad was moved out, so it was my Mom and I working together to make sure my younger siblings were taken care of. I was almost forced to take on the role of a parent at such a young age. Without going into too much detail, it was a difficult childhood. I was for the most part happy though. I learned a lot, and it made me who I am today; but I promised myself then and there that I would never live that way again. Getting through school meant that I could fulfill that promise to myself and my future children.


I have always been a strong, independent, self motivated person. I always wanted to go to college and have a great career. I worked hard to get good grades, but didn't really have the direction I needed. See, neither of my parents went to college. As a matter of fact, my Father never made it past the 9th grade. My Mom was encouraging and helped where she could, but a lot of the time, she really didn't know which direction to push me. It was up to me to figure out the best path. When high school was over, I had to figure out the college thing on my own. I was scared to death! Actually, I took a year off after high school just because I didn't know where to begin. Finally I got up the courage to go the local University and just ask questions. That was all it took. I soon signed up for classes and got started with my career plans. I worked as a personal care provider and a CNA for a few years before I got into nursing school, so I knew exactly what I was working toward. I jumped into the college role head first, and actually, I was fine! Even more than fine, I did great! I found different ways to pay for my college...out of my pocket, credit cards, government student aid, and tuition reimbursement from my employer. I always figured it out. When I got into nursing school, I was elated! Nursing school was one of the most difficult, yet most rewarding things I'd dealt with in my life. I worked full time, went to school full time, and had a brand new baby two weeks before second semester of nursing school started. I felt that if I could survive that, I could survive anything! I worked really hard! I did it to prove to myself and to my family, that I was determined and able to make something of myself...even coming from a tough childhood. (Just a side comment...it really bugs me when people use their childhood or upbringing as an excuse for their actions or problems. Anyone can take a bad situation and turn it into something good. You make that decision for yourself!)


I always wanted to be a working Mom...to take care of my family and feel like I was providing for them. I always admired my Mom. She worked hard and became very skilled with having to get by with nothing...raising 4 kids on her own. She was so strong. I wanted to have those same qualities! When I was done with school, I did just that. My new income was what my family needed to pull out of the low income slump we'd been in. I was the bread winner...and I was okay with that. It meant that my children never had to worry where their next meal was coming from. It meant that they never had to worry about going without heat or electricity. At that point in my life, it never even crossed my mind that I may want to stay home with my kids at some point. It was too much work to get where I was!


Eventually, after some rough times, my husband retook the role of bread winner in my family. He started working more than one job, and things began to change. I cut back on work a bit, and realized how much that one extra day home made a difference. It not only made a difference in me, it made a difference in my kids....and my house! I started to see how much a mother is needed at home. Don't get me wrong...I know some really awesome, brilliant working mothers. I'm just coming to the understanding that it's really hard for me personally, to do all of the things that are required of a working mom. After I've worked for a couple nights, I'm a horrible Mom and wife! I'm grumpy and tired...and I don't want to do anything. My patience is less than it should be and I don't want to do anything fun. I'm just not the active person I could be. Not that I haven't been there for my kids...but I'm realizing how much MORE I could be there for them. I'm realizing that this is the only childhood my children will have...and I don't want to miss it. I don't want to ignore them or put their needs to the side, just because I'm too tired or worn out to want to do those Mom things. I hate watching my 5 year old cry when I walk out the door. I hate thinking about my 3 month old crying and not having Mommy there to soothe him. I NEVER thought I would say this, but I would love to be a stay at home Mom. I don't think I'm feeling this way because I have a new baby at home, I've felt this way for a while. I do think that the feeling is stronger because of the baby though. Preston has been a little bit difficult, and we are just barely getting him figured out and settled...and now I have to leave him. It's going to kill me...and my poor husband is going to go crazy not having me to help him. I probably sound pathetic...really I have it made. I only work 2 days a week...and we've made the decision for me to work every Friday and Saturday night. My children won't have to go to daycare at all. I shouldn't be complaining with my circumstances the way they are. I just really feel that my babies need me...and I need them. I thought that all of this time off after having a baby would rejuvenate me....make me miss my job, but I think it made me more heartbroken to go back to work. I also thought that during my time off I would get to do all things I don't normally do while I'm working...sortof make up for things I have missed, or things I haven't done. Of course with a baby that has colic...he's taken up every ounce of my time...and I've actually missed more than I usually do.


I guess I'm just trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'd be willing to give up who I worked so hard to be, just to be a Mom. (Well, not JUST a Mom). I'm not in the position to do that...but I would do it in a heartbeat. Now, don't get me wrong...I wouldn't give up my license...that's just something that would be dumb to lose...but I could give up my job tomorrow and not feel any remorse whatsoever. At this point, it wouldn't be a good thing, and it would hurt my family more than help. I do think it's going to have to be my next goal to accomplish though, and hopefully it will happen before my kids are grown and out of the house!